I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
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[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Stonehinge
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore