cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.