Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420