FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
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Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends