The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
any last words?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
channeling her this year