I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
no refunds
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you