My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I’m having an out of money experience.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy