Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
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100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
*jingles half the way*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic