wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
*puts cutlery down*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”