Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
that’s really how it is
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.