Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
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My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”