Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
You Might Also Like
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I have questions??
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
What
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.