When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
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I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”