I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.