I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
It’s a gift
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers