Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
January has been Januweary
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.