Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Ugh but profoundly
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.