“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Best seat on the street 😍
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
For anyone who needs this today
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?