I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
You Might Also Like
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
thank god
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Watermelon Boss!
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
*limbos under the caution tape
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!