God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.