Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
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My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE