If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
You Might Also Like
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.