The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”