I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
You Might Also Like
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I wanna be friends with this person
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.