Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
english majors be like furthermore
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?