Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
You Might Also Like
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
For the baby who has everything
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs