My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Very good news from my accountant
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.