Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever