ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
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Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.