cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
The human personality is made of five key elements
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.