I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
favorite tropes as memes
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.