“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me