What the hell is going on?
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Every work call, he judges.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.