Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
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My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
what’s the point then??
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid