You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.