SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
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In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz