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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life