Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway