When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Peter Parker Peter Driver
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.