A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.