Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.