“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
You Might Also Like
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”