I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Netflix and scream at our children?!
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.