Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
You Might Also Like
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
TRAIN’S HERE
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.