Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
A completely valid reaction tbh
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
good work, detective
Cheer up.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager