No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
You Might Also Like
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*