Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*