Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
thanksgiving in nutshell
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time