I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
much to think about
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.