“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
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Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.